I'm scared.

Today has been.. unbelievable. I am still not fully realizing WHAT THE HELL is going on. It takes a lot of strength – trying to write about it.. since all I want is for this whole thing to be over, to forget it and pretend it never happened. And it’s what I’ve managed to do the whole day, but hearing my mom how she’s calling all the family and relatives about what happened scares the shit out of me.

This morning I woke up unusually early, but some strange energy was making me go to sleep again. I didn’t plan to nor did I want to, but I fell asleep nonetheless . I had a dream.. My family and I were in our car, heading somewhere, like countless times before. Perhaps visiting some family over the holidays, I thought. My dad was driving and I was sitting in the back on the right, as always. My mom and my brother were also there, sitting in their usual seats. It was so familiar and well-known, it felt totally genuine. All of a sudden, I see a truck speeding towards us. Collision seems unavoidable. Everyone’s expression is horror and shock. For a second, the truck slides to the right and the whole world stops for me – I know if we turn to the left side, we have a fair chance of avoiding the crash. “TO THE LEFT!!!!!!” I scream as loud as I possibly can. My dad hears me and listens to me – something he never does in normal occasions, maybe because I become so convinced at times that I’m right, when I’m really not, listening to my judgment could have terrible consequences, and he is aware of that – and he turns to the left side rapidly. At the same time, the truck changes direction to the left as well, and we clash with the truck exactly at the spot where my dad is sitting. My eyes are wide , my stomach is nonexistent and the horrifying fear takes over. The front windshields breaks through and I see my dad hitting his head and flying out. I want to scream but I can’t. I wake up.

I was so scared. I never remember my dreams and.. My dad has gone through some health problems recently. Especially yesterday, he was in huge pain because he is after an operation. I never emotionally reacted to a dream before. When I woke up, the house was empty except for my brother. ”They went to the hospital”, he tells me. I’m horrified. The whole day I’ve been trying to distract myself. I cleaned the kitchen and my room, I was sorting out my clothes and cosmetics and even started packing. I kept calling. My mom kept telling me she’ll call later, sounding as if she was crying. I couldn’t help but feel terrified. So terrified as I have never been in my whole life. All I kept thinking was.. how stupid I was. Not appreciating my family, caring about materialistic things and about myself all the time. Leaving for University.. While those would maybe be the last years I could spend with them.

There is another thing I didn’t mention before, because it terrifies me. After that dream, I opened my tablet and in hopes to get a distraction and read something optimistic on another blog, what I saw almost made me faint. The article was called ‘Goodbye’ and it said that someone’s dad died. I’ve never had a worse morning in my life.

They found out my dad has thrombosis. I am not going to describe it here, for one, because the medical explanation doesn’t really bring much light. For two, because it scares me, especially what could happen. He is in hospital right now, got some morphine for the pain and I hope he is in the best hands. I finally realized I can’t imagine losing him. For now, our family is cracked and just.. waiting. Please wish us luck.

 

The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family.